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2003-05-05 - 10:34 p.m.

I get a lot of pracice talking to girls at my job. It's in the context of selling them food, but that's fine, it's all good experience. Especially later in the day when it's not too busy, like a monday for instance. They come in one at a time and I have time to wonder about them individually. What does she think of herself? Does she know she's attractive? Does she think I'm attractive? Why doesn't she like tomatoes? If I throw two extra strawberries in with her cheesecake will she recognize it as subtle flirtation? I totally still don't understand women. For a while I was on an intense quest to figure them out, but that's sort of on the back burner now. I don't think it's a subject that will yeild to too much scientific investigation. Don't get me wrong, I've learned a few practical things, and some great technical info about the vulva, but that only goes so far. The women I know personally are all vastly different from each other. They've all got their own favourite things and things that make them angry, things that have happened to them, things they want out of life, things they fear, et cetera... Trying to understand a whole gender is futile. Everyone is an individual first and a gender is part of that but not nearly enough that familiarity with the sex makes you familiar with the person. Far far from it. I guess essentially I have a fear of people, fear of women is half of that. I think its probably best to take things one day at a time, one individual at a time. That's the best I can do. Asking someone out... I think I'll step on thumbtacks with my bare feet and tapdance before that will happen. I'm getting better gradually. I've got it mapped out and I am going to be fully self-actualized by the time I am 503 years old. I've found a little faux confidence can help, I learned that from drinking. I think ideally I'd want to be with a woman who's a scientist or a doctor or something. It's easier to make smart people laugh. And I always click well with women who have those kind of brains. Well I shouldn't say always I should say generally, because thats another one of those generalizations I'm so good at. See there I go again, widening the scope of things away from the individual. Maybe thats some kind of defense mechanism. I like watching girls. I like selling them sweets. I like thinking about what they might be thinking about. I like to imagine making out with them, five or six at a time. One would be enough though, I suppose.

I don't think I've got enough sleep to make up for this weekend yet. It's only eleven and my head is feeling pretty heavy. I can't quite concentrate on this anymore. Reading back over it, I see I haven't been concentrating for quite some time. Oh well. Good night.

Favourite song today: "Picture Days" -Corn Mo

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