2003-10-06 - 10:48 p.m.
I don't hate women, really. I think I used to, but I don't anymore. I like most of them. I just get frustrated when they don't automatically have sex with me. Or maybe there's more to it than that, I don't know. A lot of the time I really enjoy hanging out with women, and I wish that tension wasn't so thick and omnipresent. I think thats part of why I love lesbians. You get that warm, fullfilling interaction with an attractive person, without quite as much of the pressure. Not that I don't get crushes on gay girls, but they're not crushing crushes. Unless you're an egomaniac, there's ultimately not much fun in the idea of being with someone who wouldn't totally enjoy being with you.
And, while prone to delusions of grandeur, I'm no egomaniac. I was saying this the other day to gotmuhmojo, I think I still haven't given up on the idea that one day I'll meet someone, and we'll both be like "hey, I totally get you", and things will more or less work out. Maybe I'm just not cynical enough. Maybe my first girlfriend was too nice, and didn't make me the martyr I secretly wanted to be. Humans are totally weird.
Overall though, it's just too overwhelming right now. I have an abnormally strong fear of rejection for someone with nothing to lose. I find it difficult to even look at someone I find myself attracted to. I'm horny all the time, I get sprung walking past the panty section in wal-mart. I'm nearly twenty-five, and though parts of me feel that old, most of me still feels sixteen.
I guess I'll just do what I always do, work through it and hope for the best.
Song of the day: "Beauty of the Beast" -Nightwish
�
0 comments so far�
