2003-12-16 - 11:40 p.m.

Im going to have to go see Return of the King tommorow. It's my only day off from work this week, and besides that,I'm not going to be able to speak to anyone or read anything from now until I see it on the off chance I'll hear or see something that will make me anticipate one particular element over another. Best to just get it over with.

It can't be bad, this much I know. All hail Mr. Jackson, Lord of the Nerds. Plus once I've seen it and made found my own favorite parts I can watch it a hundred more times. I saw Towers six times in the theatre, I think I can beat that easy this time. I actually almost never see movies, but this is special.

Twink is coming to see it with me. Our friendship has resurfaced yet again somehow. This time its better though, I appreciate her, but I'm standing on my own two feet the whole time. Friendship, as I keep learning the hard way over and over again lately, is the most valuable thing we have. Fucking it up can make you feel like the worst pile of shit. I'm the sort of person who can fuck up just about anything if I hold on to it long enough.

Most of my life I went to church. When you walk in the door at church, they would always give you a program. By the time the sermon was over, my program was always a mangled wad. Other people would have the things still neatly sitting in their laps, ready to bring home and file away in a cabinet somewhere I imagine, and mine would be wrinkled and drity and torn up and molested beyond repair. Thats what happens when I touch something. I dissapear inside myself somewhere, and my hands are left on their own to work out the physical world without my help.

I don't really mean to hurt anyone, but sometimes I just forget they're there, and at a certain proximity, the damage is inevitable. I feel so large and unweildy all the time. I remember once as a kid waking up to find I had smothered a baby kitten by rolling on it in my sleep. Thats the ugliest feeling, that realization you've destroyed something beautiful stupidly, without a thought. There are often unfortunate and terrible consequences to affection.

I don't want to leave that as my conclusion here I guess. That's really depressing. It's important to find your psychic shape and weight, and understand how you interact with people close to you and people you love so you don't stab and crush them unwittingly. And I'm not saying things don't happen maliciously or because or self centeredness rather than oblivious naivity, but... I don't know. Sometimes you have to pick a path through the day, and you know every step has an impact, but maybe you're not always exactly conscious of what impact each footfall is making until you look back and see all the feet you stepped on. And you can pretend you dont care, or you can feel like a horrible person, or you can just never look back, but in any event, you have more days to go through with no map, and you have enough to worry about with all the landmines, so maybe the best you can do is shed a few tears and keep on going.

I think I got lost in my own metaphor again. Anyway, I've said more than usual, which means I've said too much. I'm going to put on a blue meanies record and read something with statistics in it.

Song of the day: "Love make the world go round" -Powerpuff Girls

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