2004-01-05 - 10:00 p.m.
"Fear is the mind killer" -Dune -Frank Herbert
At the root of everything that bothers me about my life, the source all my shortcomings, is something I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of being judged, I'm afraid of being rejected, I'm afraid of failure. I could take these fears and directly link them to each and every dark cloud over my head, every last link in the chains I drag behind me.
The past couple of months I haven't been drunk once. One of the things I've had to deal without is the false confidence. That temporary "I can conquer the world, and it's so simple now I can't believe I missed it before" feeling. Sometimes I wish I felt like that all the time. Sometimes any kind of confidence is better than none. Real confidence has to be better though. I think that only comes from facing fear. Boldness always feels good, and somehow it can be so hard to find.
When I play an online shooter, I'm never the sniper. I never hang back and hide, I'm always the first one charging into the defenses with guns blazing. I think that's the guy I wish I was in real life. Without the guns, just to clarify. Sometimes I'm picked off early, for sure, but more often than not I score the most kills. And the most deaths. I know thats a shoddy analogy especially for non-gamers, but my point is (and I'm sure I've said it before) the greatest gain comes with the greatest risk. It's also by far the most fun way to play the game. Get too wrapped up in trying to protect yourself and you're missing out on most of the enjoyment to be had. Campers are Lamers, in real life too.
Of course there's no one constantly trying to kill me here, but death, I think, is at the heart of all our fears. If you truly don't fear death, you can't help but succeed, you'll easily have an edge on 99 percent of the people you'll meet. And I am nowhere near there. But I do see my fears, and I can see how they hold me back. I can see where getting over some of these things would help me grow up and find where I need to be.
Seeing and doing, that terrible gap. That scary scary pit with all the spikes at the bottom. You can do it Andy, I believe in you. Pick a spot, close your eyes and jump for it. Remember, fear is the mind killer.
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