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2004-02-10 - 12:53 a.m.

"Courage is the price life exacts for making peace with yourself" -Amelia Earhart

I've been struggling a bit with the question of whether or not I'm a good person. I thought of a day this summer, I was slicing sandwich meat. A little kids voice came from behind. "Excuse me... Excuse me..." I Ignored him.

A co-worker nudged me. "Hey I think somebody's talking to you."

"Yeah, I don't care." I snarled and continued cutting meat without turning around. I was having a bad day. I'm sure the kid just wanted to ask what I was doing or how the machine worked or if I could get him a brownie or something. I was mean, and once in a while I still think about it and feel bad. Something as small as that. What if the kid keeps rememebering it too? He's at an impressionable age, what if that's the first time someone was mean to him, and he never forgets it? Someday he'll be stuck in traffic on the way to a job interview and he'll flip out and start beheading people with a machette he keeps in the back seat. (A gift from a world travelling uncle) All ripples from that first dark pebble I threw into the innocent pool of his young mind.

A bit dramatic yes. But these little things do bug me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't lose sleep obsesing over this or that nasty moment. And I've had a few. I'm so careful usually, becasue I know very well these things will come back to haunt me, even if I can justify them a million different ways. I just can't be careful all the time. I'm too big, too chaotic at heart. And the more I hold back the worse it gets when it comes out. The times I sit quietly without protest while some loud obnoxious couple ruins my movie, the times I swallow my pride while I let some tourist treat me like shit at work, the times I smile and shake hands with someone I detest, it all goes in and churns and burns, and it has to come out somewhere somehow. Hopefully when I'm alone in the woods, screaming at the moon and wrestling dead trees. But once in a while it happens somewhere inappropriate. In public, on an innocent, or on someone familiar and trusted. That can unfortunately be one of the easiest ways to let it out. Sometimes I have a lot of respect for people who can just tell someone to shut up if they're being loud, or give them the finger if they piss them off. Thats a more honest way to live. Sometimes I think that, but you have to be careful with honesty. Becasue as I've said many times before, this is the core element of my philosophy: There is no truth. And as such, there are different ways of being honest. But I'm digressing here, diluting the point, confusing the issue. It's a favorite hobby of mine. I guess I'll leave it there, before I make it worse.

Song of the day: "Vicious Cycle" -Northern State

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