2005-05-13 - 1:37 a.m.
I got my test done today, I probably did okay on it. I didn't finish my journals. Hell, I didn't really start my journals. Just the other week the professor was talking to me and saying how great I was doing and encouraging me to continue with school. When I handed in my test today she smiled and looked at me expectantly, "And your journals?"
And I had to say, "I didn't do them."
And at that moment I felt like the most worthless person ever. I went out to my car and cried.
Why can't I just do stuff? What the fuck is wrong with me? I keep trying and the same thing happens. It's not like I don't want to do it. I've been acting like I don't care too much about this class, but secretly I really wanted to do really well, I wanted to prove I could get something done, all the way done, like a normal person. Maybe I'm just a shitty student. I should just look for other stuff to be good at.
Well, at the least, I found the material interesting, I learned a lot I didn't know, and I did well on the tests. I guess I can't call it a total loss just because I flaked out on the homework stuff.
All these ideas I have, what's gonna happen to them? Some of them are pretty good ones, maybe, I don't know. I want them to have a chance. They've only got me though, a person proven less than dependable over and over.
Today is not so fiery or sparkly. I'm glad I get to see an awesome show at the middle east this saturday. I'm going to play some nethack now.
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