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2005-10-03 - 12:23 a.m.

I got smashed three nights this weekend. I didn't drink anything today except water. I don't have a hangover, I just feel a little gross and unsatisfied with my life in general. Now, theres nothing wrong with partying hard once in a while, and I didn't have a bad time or get unruly and break things, but I'm hanging out with all these people who are doing amazing and great things, and I wish I was doing some more of that and a little less of my safe routine. My boss is pressuring me to agree to work through the winter and tell him now what my plans are. I don't have any plans, I don't know. I don't have a fallback plan either, I feel trapped. I don't dislike my job, and its great to be needed and employed full time, but ... argh. I keep picturing my mom telling me that I'm predictable, that I always go with what I'm used to. It makes me angry. I sacrifice a lot, I work hard, does anyone see that? Does anyone give half a shit? What's it all for? How can I progress from here? I can't just take a bunch of crazy risks only for the sake of proving people wrong. If I travel around the world, what will I do when I get back, this same shit again? Bugger all, I'm going to be dead some day. They're going to write on my stone, "yeah, we pretty much all saw this coming." I'd be scared to meet my future self. How boring is that guy, ten years from now? Has he changed? I need a bold move, but not a stupid one. I guess I can't attatch that to it though, or it wouldn't really be bold at all. It's nice to get drunk and not torture myself this way, but it can't last. I'm scared, I can't deal. It's always been this way, as a kid, I used to wish aliens would kidnap me and take me on wacky adventures, hitchhikers guide style. No such luck so far

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