2005-11-10 - 2:25 a.m.
"Modern art makes me want to rock out!" -Art Brut
"If I were to walk through the museum of fine arts in Boston, Well first I would go to the room where they keep the Cezannes" -Modern Lovers
I spend most of my time alone. I'm not a complete recluse, but most nights, I really don't hang out with anybody. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that, this is my choice. I like to hang out and be with people, sometimes. I guess I can come off as aloof. But usually I'm just here, doing something like watching Buffy, or organizing my miniatures collection, or whatever. I don't do that much that's cool or exciting. When other people are around, I'm constantly focused on their reactions to things. What do they think or feel, what makes them happy or uncomfortable. My self kind of dissapears and I get flustered and confused if people try to ask what I think or how I'm doing. It's just that I don't really know. I only know, when I'm just with me, not trying to constantly empathize, look through other people's eyes. I often wish I had closer relationships with people. But if I'm around people all the time, I lose track of who I am, I lose the clarity that comes with being with just me. I start talking other people's words, I say things that I don't really mean, I get frustrated, and probably drunk.
Not that I don't get drunk alone.
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