2006-03-20 - 1:22 a.m.
Now maybe, I'm the one being a prick. I accept that possibility, it's easy to lose perspective when dealing with family. But it goes both ways for sure, and it's making me really angry right now. I appreciate that people are concerned for me. I guess. But should that concern manifest itself as trying to scare the crap out of me? I wasn't born yesterday, I'm not some stupid child. Actually, of eight children in my family, I tested with the highest IQ. I know exactky how serious a stroke is, and I'm properly freaked out. I don't talk a lot, it doesn't make me a naive little baby, which is how I see them treating me right now. They don't see me freaking out, because I'm a private person, but yet I'm scared shitless thinking what might happen at any moment. I had to sneeze today, and I didn't, I'm scared to fucking sneeze. Would it make them happier to know that? Or wouldn't they be satisfied until I'm cowering in the corner, covering myself with ashes, moaning woe is me, and writing out my will. Fuck that! I don't need to be more scared. I don't need to "know more about how serious this is." What the fuck good does that do me? And, just to put this in perspective, theres no real proof yet that this is even what's happening to me. If I need any medical advice, I'll talk to my fucking doctor. I'm sick to christ of people who think they know everything, who think they know better than me. Sorry to be so hostile and inarticulate, but I'm extremely angry right now. This shit makes me furious, and just like I don't want to sneeze, I don't want to get too worked up either. As if hospitals and doctors didn't piss me off enough on their own, I have to put up with this condescending bullshit from my mom and brother. Mostly right now, I want to just smash my knuckles into the chimney. I'm scared, and the people closest to me don't understand, and they're not helping. I don't want their help, I want them to shut the fuck up. But me telling them that doesn't help anything either. Even if I were totally right, the confrontation would hurt somebodies feelings, then ultimately I'd end up feeling like shit, like I'd have to apologize, just for trying to express myself. And I say "try" because it wouldn't come out right. I don't have good verbal skills. They have tons of experience arguing with family members and they usually win. So not only would I not adequately get my point across, I'd look like a total jackass, probably get way too emotional, lose control and flip out. I'd look exactly like the stupid child they treat me as. Then I'd feel guilty for the outburst, on top of still feeling angry, and wouldn't that just be peachy. No, file that fight under "not worth it". How is it that when it comes to family, I can't say how I feel without going on the attack? I guess I've just never had really open communication with them. I'm secretive, I don't trust them to know the real me. It's been that way a long time. Well if I can't talk to them or fight with them, I should find someone somewhere who's willing to do one or the other. I don't care which right now. Well, at least I've got my diary, I can rant and vent some steam. I feel sorry for whoever might be reading this crap though. If you are, please accept my apology. I'm having a shitty week.
Okay I think I'm done. I will now attempt to do something intellectually stimulating. Wish me luck.
Speaking of luck, I walked up to the kitchen a while ago and all the clocks read 1:11. It was creepy. I wished for the same thing I always wish for.
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