2006-03-25 - 11:33 p.m.

"Fujiyama attack! Fujiyama attack!"

Get me a glass of wine. Thins the blood you know.

I don't really have a crush on anyone. There are girls who are sweet and great, but no one I'd die without. No one I'd feel comfortable with. Some of my brothers and sisters think I'm gay. I suspect they do anyways, only one has outright asked me. I almost wish I were, wouldn't that be simpler? Maybe not. I crave the vaginas. Intensely, at certain times of day. Kafka called it "the disease of the instincts." I don't know if my outlook on sex is quite that bleak, but the nonstop visceral urges can seem obnoxious sometimes. Is this a long, roundabout way of saying I feel lonely? Maybe. Things have to change though, I'm in this situation by my own choice.

Change means potential discomfort. Followed by potentially great rewards. It's the first part I have trouble getting over. And here we are again.

By the way, my hospital tests didn't show anything abnormal or unhealthy. This means they know a couple things I don't have, which is sort of a releif. Finding out what I do have, well, that's expensive, and I'm uninsured. And insurance is expensive. Like, more than rent. The doctor says keep taking aspirin and call him if I have another episode. I'm taking that as license to forget about the whole thing. I can't do much but live my life, and try to live it better than I have. Stroke schmoke.
Cheers!

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