2006-04-01 - 12:36 a.m.
God can sometimes be found in the unlikeliest of places. Because I don't really beleive in a god, I'm constantly underestimating him. Being raised as a fundamentalist is something you don't ever fully shake. You carry the marks around with you, for good or ill, for the rest of your life. And sometimes, just when you think you've gotten as far away from god as you possibly could get, there he is. He or she, but let's not go into that now. Don't freak out, I'm not going all born again on you, I swear. I've seen people go that route in a midlife crisis. It's pathetic, that's not gonna be me.
And sometimes, I still pray, and I stop myself. But why? Because I think it's wrong, in a way? Has it become a sin somehow to pray? Is that any different than having a religion? It's like pulling out a nail, the hole is still there.
People want a closeness and an understanding. Those things can be hard to come by. A life without hope of finding either is pretty grim. Am I just stating the obvious here? I need to do that for myself now and then. I can be dense.
Talking to god isn't the same as talking to yourself. It's a bit like writing, it can be helpful. You can purge things and be more objective about them.
Dear God, I wish I wasn't sick, I wish I had peace of mind. I'm not demanding or expecting these things, just saying it. I want to find real love, whatever that may be. I want to iron out what it is I'm supposed to want from this life, and maybe start achieving it. It hurts to be so alone and confused all the time. There is a lot of pain in the world, mine is really nothing compared to it all, but its a lot to me, so thanks for listening. amen.
I think it might suck to be omniscient, if you really gave a shit about anyone.
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