2006-08-16 - 12:34 a.m.
Who has more right to be jaded, the one who has had dozens of relationships that all turned wrong or sour, or the one who has loved alone for years and years and never had love returned?
I guess it's really not a competition.
Sometimes, a love is so perfect and great, I can't even approach it, I want to keep it forever in a snow globe of possibilities. I think it's something for which I'm misunderstood.
"If you like her so much, why don't you do something about it?"
If I were answering this in a professional capacity, like a customer service representative, I would open with a quippy little ego booster, like "Excellent question."
Excellent question. Wish I had as good an answer. Relationships have painful beginnings and ends, and the middle is often a bit questionable.
"Cynical much? Why can't you just let it go, love like you've never been hurt, go for it or you'll always regret it."
Yes I'm Cynical. You know why? Because shitty things happen to wonderful people every day, and theres nothing I can do about it. Regret is a funny thing, I tend to have it no matter what decision I make. So I make the same sort of decisions over and over again, because at least I have a consistency in the kind of regrets I have. I decide to stand back, keep my mouth shut and watch. I see people crash and burn, and then rise again like flaming phoenixes (phoneiae?)and try again with someone new. I don't judge them, I know it's tough to be alone, I'm a more emotional than a logical person. I'm drifting away from point here, argument is falling apart...
I was watching Tarkovsky's "Solaris" recently. The main character is visited by a recreation of his dead wife created by an alien brain. At first he freaks out and tries to kill her, but she keeps coming back, and eventually he stays with her and treats her as the real person, even knowing the truth, he chooses the illusion. Even though he knows the real relationship ended so badly that she killed herself. I may be somewhat innacurate in that synopsis, it was a long and complicated movie, but it's true that we are weak, and we'll almost always choose an illusion over reality. (ignoring for now my perception vs. reality debate)
I have a vivid imagination, I can think of countless scenarios where she loves me or wants me. Why would I shatter those with a stupid reality? Am I an extreme intellectual introvert jerk for thinking that? Probably. I'm weak like anyone else, and I'm a hopeless daydreamer. Maybe I should be concerned that this doesn't depress me anymore.
�
0 comments so far�
