2006-11-21 - 2:31 a.m.
As time passes, ( I hate that phrase "As I get older" I don't believe getting older is something that happens constantly. It just kind of slams into you once in a while, like falling off a bridge, or that sensation of falling off a bridge in a dream and then waking up suddenly in a panic, the real world replacing the imaginary like a quick slap across the tits, then a kind of relief, a "This isn't so bad" kind of sensation, followed by a nervous apathy and a lingering dread. The dream didn't really end. Is that how this ends, a non-end? But my sentences just run on and on, and my parenthetical has taken over whatever might have been outside it, what the fuck was I saying again?)
As time passes.. it seems harder and harder to connect with people. My world trends towards alone-ness, and I have to swim against that current, because ultimately it's not what I want.
I don't say "loneliness" because that implies a kind of desperation. I am alone most of the time, and only occasionally do I feel what I'd call "lonely". More often my most desperate moments are when I'm around others, wanting only to get away. Theres a quandary.
I missed this, writing. I guess I just began to feel like I was endlessly repeating myself, especially when someone read my entire diary and pointed out that I had written almost the same exact entry two years in a row. And it was about taxes. Am I some guy who writes about doing his taxes? I guess sometimes I am, sometimes thats what I think about. Like anything else, all there is to do is accept and move on. Self-awareness can be a powerful thing. And its scary to think that I don't even know who I am sometimes. I try actively not to know, afraid I'll uncover some horrible cancerous evil in myself.
I won't overdo this, I like short entries better, I think they're more readable, less likely to circle around forever biting their own tails, as I tend to do.
I cleaned half of my room, it took three days. This computer is on the dirty half.
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