2007-09-25 - 11:28 a.m.
So it occurs to me that important things often go unsaid. Probably even most often.
I found myself missing someone kind of terribly this morning. And then wondering why more intensely this morning than in all the days that have gone by without talking to her, without saying what I need to say, without explaining what I'm feeling right now.
I'm in school now. Specifically in the book basement. Its a little dungeon like place with nifty little windowless alcoves where a person can bring all his books and computer and just get things done. Admittedly writing in a blog doesnt exactly count as an accomplishment, but I'm still feeling pretty good about how well I've been able to keep up with my assignments, and I just feel now the urge to talk to my dear old diary, because I've pretty successfully removed myself from everyone else.
So far I havent really made any friends here, which makes me a bit wary. I'm still really excited about just being in school and doing this work and improving myself. When a bit of that shininess wears off, I hope I'll be okay here without a clique or any sort of large, diverse pool of humans to relate to.
I'm cynical, I'm a bit shy, I dont really feel like I'm too old to be here, but I havent settled on a real spot to fit in either. I've got an apartment with a couple of people here, and I hope this turns out okay. they seem pretty nice, if a tad neurotic, and I'm wary of getting too close to their crazy and am keeping a safe if not unamicable distance. Maybe I'm just a jerk I dunno. it becomes harder and harder to find friends as you get older I think. Harder to find people you'll let into all the established structures you've built around yourself.
And yeah, I miss her, as some of these facts sink in a bit and I try to grasp the commitment I've made here. Shes a long way away and not really my girlfriend anymore, though that was never really said. Part of me just knows it to be true. That if I dropped everything and moved to california, like I'd like to do, that it would be the wrong decision. That whatever she felt last winter, she doesnt feel now. And that every day I don't write, out of fear of saying these things, out of fear of admitting to or even addressing to myself my own real feelings about these things.... yeah my diary sentences go on and on with lots of commas. Its because I dont really edit, I just sort of let the thoughts drop like tetris blocks, trying to position them to make a little sense on paper and not always succeeding. Anyway... yeah, so every day that goes by this gap between us is widening. And I wonder what to do,and the answer is so obvious. Maybe I just wonder why I cant do it? Just talk to her, that is.
Bah. Thanks for listening, good old diary. I've got some more work to do today.
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