2007-11-07 - 1:26 p.m.
Hello diary. hao jiu bu jian.
Here I am in the school snack bar, a good chunk of the way into this new way of living I've created around myself.
Is that giving myself too much credit? Is my ego barking off its chain? I dont know, sometimes it feels like theres this really smart person inside me who arranges these things. I feel powerful, as in the reason I'm here is because I wanted to be. And at the same time, it really doesn't feel like anything I did, it just happened. same with traveling abroad. There was a force that wanted it, and made it happen, though I often feel like I'm not really smart or confident enough to have done something like that.
I wont sit here and debate free will, it doesn't matter after all, so long as we're too stupid to know how the dice will turn up every time, and thats what makes life worth living, after all.
But I feel strange here. I'm doing really well in school actually, I'm proud to say. All A's and B's so far, and the B's are in the minority and were because I fucked up and forgot something. But I think I might be depressed. Yesterday I couldn't get myself out of bed. I just couldn't pull myself out onto my feet until maybe 5pm. Sure it was a shitty day. Maybe I'm tired from staying up late and waking up early, maybe experimenting with various levels of caffeine is making me crazy. Maybe I'm upset about how things ended with my ex. Maybe I miss my friends. I might just need to talk to someone for a little while.
These next few weeks are going to be very telling. I need a strong success this semester to prove I can really do what I came here to do. I have several big projects and papers to do. The old andy might give in to learned helplessnes and just lie down.
New andy can't be that way. I can't torture myself with a little taste of success, finally test my limits a little bit and then just give up and go back. I really need to get over this, whatever it is and overcome. Well this turned into a long rambling little pep-talk. Well, time to get to work.
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